by Kimberly Knight
The year 2025 hasn’t exactly been the year I envisioned. My family has experienced two significant losses in quick succession, and it’s brought grief into sharp focus. Being an introvert, I tend to process things internally, which isn’t always the healthiest approach, but it’s my way. What I’ve come to realize, though, is that grief is a complex beast, and often, we start mourning long before someone actually leaves us. It’s anticipatory grief, and it can be just as real and painful as the grief that follows a loss.
Think about it. As caregivers, we witness the slow decline of our loved ones. We see their abilities diminish, their memories fade, and their personalities shift. These changes, while sometimes subtle, are profound losses in themselves. We might have fleeting thoughts like, “They may never enjoy their favorite meal again,” or “We won’t get to take that dream vacation together,” or the heartbreaking realization, “They don’t recognize me anymore.” These moments, these tiny deaths, can bring us to our knees. They are all part of anticipatory grief.
For me, these “what if’s” and “won’t be’s” have been hitting hard. It’s the quiet grief, the unspoken mourning that happens in the spaces between moments. It’s the ache in your chest when you realize a milestone won’t be shared, a tradition won’t be carried on, or a simple pleasure is now beyond reach. It’s the slow drip of loss that can leave you feeling emotionally drained and numb.Â
And that numbness… that’s a tricky thing. As caregivers, we often become so accustomed to these losses that we start to normalize our grief. It becomes just another part of the routine, another burden to carry. We tell ourselves it’s just part of life, but that doesn’t diminish the pain. It just pushes it down, where it can fester and grow.
So, what can we do about anticipatory grief? How can we navigate this difficult terrain? Here are a few things that have helped me, and might help you, too:
- Acknowledge it: The first step is recognizing that anticipatory grief is real and valid. Don’t dismiss your feelings or tell yourself you shouldn’t be grieving before the actual loss. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the anger, the fear.
- Talk about it: Even if you’re an introvert like me, find someone you trust to talk to. Sharing your feelings can lighten the load and help you process what you’re going through. It could be a family member, a friend, a therapist, or a support group.
- Find healthy outlets: Wine/Whiskey ain’t it! Grief needs an outlet. Find healthy ways to express your emotions. This could be through journaling, art, music, exercise, or spending time in nature. Find what works for you and make it a regular practice.
- Focus on the present: While it’s natural to mourn the future, try to focus on the present moment. Savor the time you have with your loved one. Find joy in the small things, even amidst the sadness. Create new memories, even if they’re different from the ones you imagined.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Grief is a process, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. Don’t judge yourself for your emotions.
- Seek professional help: If you’re struggling to cope with anticipatory grief, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist can provide support and guidance as you navigate this difficult time.
Anticipatory grief is a part of the caregiving journey, but it doesn’t have to define it. By acknowledging our feelings, finding healthy outlets, and practicing self-compassion, we can navigate this quiet grief and find moments of peace and connection amidst the sadness. It’s a journey, and we’re all in it together.
